USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*