“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
he’s doing your taxes
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
oppen heimer style lol
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that