Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?