You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Support your local cemetery
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08