Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”