Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Whoa 😂
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Butt weight. There’s more!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.