My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Air conditioning – not a fan
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.