Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*