Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”