You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by