*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!