Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
don’t be scared
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY