No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew