Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..