Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
accurate
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
be careful
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Note to self: I am a note
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
How did the first person to read learn how to read?