Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
So inspired right now.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.