THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
this came to me in a vision
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado