So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.