Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.