[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”