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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay