the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.