The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
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me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Haha! 😂
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….