Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You Might Also Like
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb