My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
dogs can find happiness so easily
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: