I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
every single time
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.