*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington