[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.