sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Denise please return my vape pen
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
live long and prosper!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Okey dokey.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.