Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If looks could kill
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda