The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Brands during Pride
knights of the ikea table
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
he’s doing your taxes