You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.