Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?