My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
motivation
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.