remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
awkward
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.