People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Love thy neighbor’s dog
The Struggle
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were