Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You Might Also Like
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
u spoke cat all this time??????
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…