More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
happy valentine’s day to me
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.