What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!