Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
went fishing caught a bass
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot