went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh