Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.