Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
You Might Also Like
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
how to market bottled water to dads
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Support your local cemetery
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.