Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
FINE, I WON’T.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Erm I’m gonna say no
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.