My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
You Might Also Like
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.