Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Ooops wrong house😂😜
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.