Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”