Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
#inspiration #foodforthought
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.