A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here