I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
iPhone X
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
sugar glider wrangler
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.